


real housewitches

by deathsbinky



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, I think I'm funny but I am 40/60 odds against, I'm also sorry it's a screenplay format, Multi, background tonks/daphne greengrass, god I am sorry so many people talk in this, it's a joke my dudes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:00:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25217410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deathsbinky/pseuds/deathsbinky
Summary: Cygnus Black III is turning, well, whatever age he is (don't worry about it). Narcissa will throw a party come hell or high water and Bellatrix will ruin it, purposefully or not (likely purposefully). Merlin help those along for the ride.
Relationships: Astoria Greengrass/Draco Malfoy, Lucius Malfoy/Narcissa Black Malfoy, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 4
Kudos: 10





	real housewitches

**Author's Note:**

> jkr didn't include it because it wasn't important to harry's journey but every single character in harry potter was actually trans. every single one (except rita skeeter, who is cis). even voldemort was like "yeah I will kill you but I will also respect your pronouns" and then harry, trans icon, strangled him to death with his bare hands, ending facism in britain forever yeehaw

Intro: Black Manor (an Imposing and Gothic building), early morning. 

It is CYGNUS BLACK III’s birthday tomorrow, despite the fact that he refuses to tell his family exactly how old he is. He is grizzled and talks about how he fought in a War, at some point, though it’s most likely a lie. DRUELLA BLACK, his wife, sits next to him, smoking and looking French. Their three daughters, BELLATRIX, ANDROMEDA, and NARCISSA, are having breakfast with them. BELLATRIX is crazy, her father’s favorite, and the shortest. ANDROMEDA is the typical put-upon middle child, competitive, and looks like a taller version of BELLATRIX. NARCISSA, an exact copy of her mother, is the beloved baby of the family and the peacekeeper. 

CYGNUS

It’s my birthday tomorrow, damn it. Don’t tell the rest of the family.

ANDROMEDA 

_ (dryly) _

It’s been your birthday the same day your whole life. I think they’ve figured it out. 

CYGNUS

I don’t want them thinking I’m getting old. 

_ (pounds on the table, startling everyone but Druella) _

I’m not old! 

NARCISSA

We’re having the party whether you like it or not. 

BELLATRIX

I don’t think you’re getting old. 

ANDROMEDA

Of course you don’t. 

BELLATRIX

What does that mean? 

ANDROMEDA 

You know what it means. 

BELLATRIX 

Why won’t you say it, then, if we all know it. 

CYGNUS

_ (Interrupting, reducing them to glares across the table) _

I don’t want the party. 

NARCISSA

Everybody has already been invited. I’ve been planning this for weeks. 

CYGNUS

Tell them to go away. 

NARCISSA

_ (sighs) _

We’re having the party. Mother, tell him we’re having the party. 

Druella

_ (Speaks in irritated, fast-paced French that goes on for some time. Cygnus begins to look chastened, and the sisters uncomfortable)  _

NARCISSA Talking Head: 

NARCISSA

Of course Mother speaks English. She just likes to pretend she doesn’t on occasion. Presumably because she lives with Bellatrix, but who knows.

CYGNUS

Fine! We’ll have the party. Don’t invite Tod or Walburga’s son Silly, though. I don’t care for them. 

ANDROMEDA

Ted is my husband! He’s coming!

BELLATRIX

He wouldn’t be missed. 

ANDROMEDA

At least I’m married- you still live at home! 

BELLATRIX 

I could be married if I wanted to be. 

ANDROMEDA

_ (escalating in volume) _

You could not. The only person who has ever or would ever date you was Rodolphus Lestrange, because he’s a loon, and even he broke up with you!

BELLATRIX

_ (shouting) _

I broke up with  him ! 

NARCISSA

Let’s all calm down- 

CYGNUS 

_ (Interrupting, again) _

I don’t understand why that boy can’t leave you alone. 

ANDROMEDA

We’ve been married for nearly twenty years! We have a child!

CYGNUS

...I do like Nymphadora. 

NARCISSA

I’ve already invited Ted and Sirius, so it doesn’t matter-

CYGNUS and BELLATRIX

_ (simultaneously) _

Damn it. 

NARCISSA

-and the Parkinsons, the Bulstrodes, the Notts, and the Greengrasses have all RSVP’d yes, and the Rosiers, the Goyles, and the Zambinis maybe. I’ve been planning this for weeks. You will all show up appropriately dressed and on your best behavior. 

BELLATRIX

Does it count if Sirius starts it?

NARCISSA

Yes! 

NARCISSA Talking Head: 

NARCISSA

Every year since I was seventeen, Mother and I have planned the perfect birthday for Father, from the decorations to the invitations.  _ (A beat.)  _ Unfortunately, Father has not had a perfect birthday since 1950 due to… complications. 

BELLATRIX Talking Head: 

BELLATRIX

_ (laughing)  _

I was born in 1951. 

Intro: Malfoy Manor (a typical English Country Home, Charming), late afternoon. 

LUCIUS and NARCISSA sit in chairs in the parlor. DRACO lounges in front of the fire. LUCIUS is devoted to his wife but exhausted by her desire to have a party every other week. CYGNUS’ birthday, on top of that, is his least favorite event of the year. DRACO is spoiled, bisexual, and extravagant. He enjoys any opportunity to dress up, but he gets the feeling that his grandfather only tolerates him.

LUCIUS

What I don’t understand, dear, is why you have to invite so many people.  _ (Straining for delicacy)  _ Your father- he doesn’t really  like people. 

NARCISSA

He does like people. He likes you, and me, and the rest of his family- he just shows it differently. 

LUCIUS

If you say so.

NARCISSA

Of course, dear.

NARCISSA Talking Head: 

NARCISSA

_ (shakes her head no) _

DRACO

_ (Absently) _

It’s fun when Sirius and Bellatrix duel. And I like Tonks. 

NARCISSA 

See? It’s good for family to connect. Draco would miss them. 

LUCIUS

We had Bellatrix over last week. And it’s not even your family, dear, it’s everyone else. Why do we have to invite  everyone else ? 

NARCISSA 

You don’t want our son to see his friends from school? Like that little lesbian, and Theodore, and Blake? 

DRACO

Her name is Pansy.

LUCIUS

He doesn’t have to see them at Cygnus’ birthday party. 

NARCISSA

He misses his friends, and it wouldn’t do to leave people uninvited. They might think that we’re rude. 

LUCIUS

It wouldn’t be rude to have a private party. 

NARCISSA

Lucius. 

LUCIUS __

Yes, dear. 

Intro: ANDROMEDA’s house (just a normal house), same time 

ANDROMEDA, TED, and TONKS sit at the dining table having lunch. TED is a charming middle-aged man with greying hair who is never not slightly uncomfortable with his in-laws. TONKS is a punk with the attitude of her mother and the winning smile of her father, as well as several tattoos her grandparents aren’t allowed to know about. 

TED

I know he doesn’t like me. 

ANDROMEDA

He doesn’t like anyone. The point is that you have to not be afraid of him so much. 

TED

I’m not afraid of him! 

TONKS

Grandpa’s not scary, Dad. He’s old and grouchy and casually prejudiced, for sure, but not scary. You just have to keep making eye contact, like with wild animals. Assert your dominance. 

ANDROMEDA

I need to win this party and it’s not going to happen if you avoid him all night!

TONKS Talking Head: 

TONKS

Grandpa’s birthday is-  _ (she breaks off and rolls her eyes.)  _ Mum and Dad fight over whether or not to go, Dad loses, and then we have to show up in  formal wear , Grandpa gets Dad’s name wrong and calls me “Nymphadora”, and then everybody gets drunk.  _ (She smiles)  _ One year Auntie Trix suplexed Sirius into a table, though. That was funny. 

Intro: Black Manor, the next day, late afternoon. Everyone is arriving for the party. 

NARCISSA, LUCIUS, and DRACO are all wearing coordinated formal robes and greeting the guests at the door; BELLATRIX is inside skulking in the corners; ANDROMEDA, TED, and TONKS have just arrived. ANDROMEDA is in robes, TED a muggle suit, and TONKS is wearing jeans and a short-sleeved button up with a bow tie. 

NARCISSA

_ (hugs each of them) _

Father’s in the ballroom, Bella is lurking about.  _ (Looks at Tonks) _ Lovely tie. 

TONKS

Thanks. 

DRACO

Hey, Tonks. 

TONKS

Wotcher, Lucius Junior. 

DRACO and TONKS perform an elaborate handshake. 

LUCIUS

How charming. 

NARCISSA elbows him. The TONKS family heads inside. Next to arrive is the PARKINSONS. PANSY PARKINSON has cut her hair shorter and shorter since school and is wearing men’s dress robes. Her mother, VIOLET PARKINSON, is tall and feminine, but shares PANSY’s pug nose. 

NARCISSA

_ (falsely sympathetic) _

Henry must still be in jail for embezzlement?

VIOLET

Since when did taking money from the company you started become a crime? 

LUCIUS

When you do it in secret and don’t pay taxes on it, I presume. 

VIOLET

How absurd. 

DRACO and PANSY have their own conversation. 

DRACO

Hey, Pans. 

PANSY

Is Tonks going to be here? 

DRACO 

She is a member of the family. Not even a hello? Really?

PANSY 

Nice. 

DRACO 

Don’t hit on my cousin. 

PANSY

Just a question.

DRACO

Don’t \- do  not \- hit on my cousin. 

PANSY

_ (Leans in)  _

You can’t stop me. 

DRACO 

I will stop you if it is the last thing on this earth. You’re not even her type, and you’re too young for her. 

PANSY 

I’m everyone’s type. 

DRACO 

_ (Scoffs)  _

PANSY

Love the matching robes. You look like a Madam Malkin’s ad, Mommy’s Boy. 

PANSY and VIOLET disappear into the manor just as WALBURGA, REGULUS, and SIRIUS walk up. REMUS is there as SIRIUS’ date. WALBURGA is dressed for a Victorian funeral. REGULUS is wearing a set of ill-fitting robes that were obviously his father’s. SIRIUS is dressed in a muggle suit charmed to flash gold and red stripes, while REMUS looks like a tired college professor in tweed. 

LUCIUS 

_ (under his breath)  _

Merlin’s beard. 

Inside the Black Manor: it’s bedecked in Slytherin green and silver, both in the decorations and the fashion of the attendees. There’s a main table of food at the top of the room and a bar on the other end. Several families have arrived. CYGNUS BLACK stands in the middle of the crowd, Druella on his arm, blank-faced. He’s scowling. BELLATRIX, having joined the family, is next to him, and has the same expression on her face. 

ANDROMEDA

Happy birthday, Father. 

TONKS

Happy Birthday, Grandpa. 

TED

Happy Birthday. 

CYGNUS 

Alright. It’s good to see you, Nymphadora. 

Druella

_ (kisses ANDROMEDA and TONKS twice on both cheeks)  _

TONKS

It’s Tonks, Grandpa. 

CYGNUS

I won’t call my granddaughter that. Don’t you like the name Andromeda gave you. It’s a good name, if a bit foreign.

TONKS

_ (making aggressive eye contact) _

It’s a fine name, I guess. Definitely not foreign, though; I just like my last name.

CYGNUS

_ (to ANDROMEDA) _

I don’t understand why you gave took that last name, and why you gave it to her. 

BELLATRIX

I would’ve kept my last name if I got married, which I could be, at any time. 

ANDROMEDA

_ (Ignoring her) _

Well, when two people love each other very much, they get married, and when they get married, traditionally, the woman takes the man’s name- 

CYGNUS

Black is the best last name anyone could have! I didn’t fight in a war for my House to disappear from the history books!

ANDROMEDA 

What, should he have taken my name? 

BELLATRIX

Absolutely. 

CYGNUS

He could’ve. 

TONKS

Break the gendered constructions of marriage, Mum. Do it. 

ANDROMEDA

_ (to Tonks, testily) _

Don’t start. 

TED

I think it’s nice Andy took my last name. 

BELLATRIX

_ (Mockingly) _

I think it’s nice Andy took my last name.

CYGNUS

Of course you think it’s nice, it’s yours. The Tonks name doesn’t have a damn lick of history to it. The Black lineage is- 

TONKS, ANDROMEDA, and CYGNUS 

_ (with various levels of sincerity) _

-the oldest wizarding house in Britain! 

CYGNUS

And my daughter, Todrick, is better than-

ANDROMEDA

Father! Let’s not ruin Narcissa’s party. 

CYGNUS

Fine. Go mingle, or something. Druella wants a drink anyway. 

They leave to go to the bar. ANDROMEDA and TED move in the opposite direction, BELLATRIX ducks into the hallways again, and TONKS is left standing in the middle of the room. She spots the SIRIUS and REMUS by the door and heads over. 

TONKS

I assume this means that the Wicked Witch of the West is in the building. Love the suit, by the way.

SIRIUS

_ (smiles at the compliment) _

If you say her name three times she’ll appear. 

REMUS

I hate these parties. Why do I keep coming to these parties.

TONKS

Isn’t it fun to watch your boyfriend engage in ritual combat with his favorite cousin? 

SIRIUS

You’re my favorite cousin. Where is the Witch of the East, anyway?

TONKS

Went back into the hallways, sorry. She’s slippery tonight. I think Aunt Cissy told her off. 

SIRIUS and REMUS look at each other and have a moment of non-verbal communication. 

REMUS 

No, Sirius. 

TONKS

_ (in REMUS’ voice) _

Down, boy.

SIRIUS

He only tells me that in bed. 

TONKS laughs; REMUS does not. 

Outside the Black Manor, a steady stream of people are arriving to the party. The GOYLES, the CRABBES, the NOTTS, and the BULSTRODES have made it inside. The GREENGRASSES walk up to the door. DAPHNE GREENGRASS is older and more fashionable; ASTORIA GREENGRASS is eccentric and, truth be told, slightly prettier. Their parents are completely bland looking. They’re all wearing very traditional robes. MR. and MRS. GREENGRASS say their hellos quickly, but the sisters stick around.

ASTORIA

Hey, Draco. 

DRACO

H-hey, Astoria. 

DAPHNE

_ (authoritative) _

Go inside, Tory. 

ASTORIA

For Merlin’s sake, can’t I have a conversation? 

DAPHNE

This is private business. 

ASTORIA sighs but, after a fierce stare-off, obeys her sister and leaves, blowing DRACO a kiss. He’s a little flustered. 

DRACO

Daphne. 

DAPHNE 

Is Pansy here? 

DRACO

Of course she is- wait, why do you care? 

DAPHNE

We went to school together, same as you. 

DRACO

You weren’t close. 

DAPHNE

Shut up- 

DRACO

_ (having a face journey) _

Merlin, Daphne- 

DAPHNE 

Shut up!

DRACO

No, no, this is great!

DAPHNE

Really? You think so?

DRACO

Yeah! I’ll talk to her. I’m sure she’ll like you.

DAPHNE

_ (pleased and surprised) _

Thank you, Draco. 

DRACO

You won’t regret it. 

DRACO Talking Head: 

DRACO

There’s a lot that getting Daphne and Pans together will accomplish.  _ (counting on his fingers)  _ One, she won’t hit on my cousin. Two, Astoria will see how good of a person I am. Three, not saying that it’s a definite thing, but if Astoria were to want to get married, Daphne would have to get married first. Four, Pans will be happy, or something. So… four birds, one stone, or whatever.  _ (he frowns)  _ Two stones? 

The Black Manor: later that evening. The party is in full swing; a band has started playing, several couples dancing gracefully. WALBURGA and CYGNUS are getting drunk and loudly discussing the “good old days” of wizard-kind. DRACO and PANSY have gotten too close to them. 

CYGNUS

Come here, son. 

DRACO

_ (to PANSY) _

Oh, Merlin. 

CYGNUS

This is my grandson, Draco, and his little girlfriend. 

WALBURGA

I know that, Cy. 

DRACO

Pansy’s not my girlfriend. 

CYGNUS

What are you talking to a woman for if you aren’t courting or related? 

PANSY

_ (cross) _

The pleasure of her opinion? 

CYGNUS and WALBURGA laugh. 

WALBURGA

Oh, she’s funny! You know, my sons can’t find a girl at all, much less a nice one like this. 

DRACO

_ (to PANSY) _

I think that’s ‘cause Sirius is gay.

PANSY

_ (to DRACO) _

Merlin knows what Regulus’ problems are. Is he in his  father’s robes? 

CYGNUS

If fine, pure-blood boys like ours can’t find nice women, what has the world come to? 

PANSY 

Modernity? 

WALBURGA

Modernity is a crime. 

CYGNUS

That Siri boy of yours- you were too lenient with him. That’s why he runs around with that Gryffindor crowd. 

WALBURGA

I know! He keeps bringing his old roommate to holiday dinners. But it’s too late now. 

CYGNUS

Too late! 

WALBURGA

At least my Reggie is a good boy. 

CYGNUS

Spineless lout. Why isn’t he married? 

WALBURGA

He is not! 

DRACO

_ (sarcastic) _

Maybe women just can’t handle the Black family. 

CYGNUS

_ (nods, dead serious) _

It can be too illustrious a name for some, yes. 

DRACO

_ (spots DAPHNE across the ballroom with ASTORIA and MILLICENT BULSTRODE)  _

There’s Daphne! Weren’t you roommates? We should go catch up with her! 

PANSY

_ (spotting TONKS nearby) _

That we should, Draco. That we should. 

BELLATRIX paces through the halls of her home. The walls are lined with portraits of dead Black family members, mostly murdered ones, and more recently, photos of CYGNUS BLACK III and his children, as well as WALBURGA and her sons. Most of the people in the photos are fighting. 

BELLATRIX stops to watch a photo of her, ANDROMEDA, and NARCISSA at the beach. BELLATRIX watches as PHOTO-BELLATRIX spells a tidal wave over PHOTO-ANDROMEDA’s sand castle. BELLATRIX chuckles. PHOTO-ANDROMEDA puts PHOTO-BELLATRIX in a headlock out of retaliation. 

ANDROMEDA

Bellatrix? 

BELLATRIX

_ (startled) _

Andromeda? 

ANDROMEDA

What are you doing here? 

BELLATRIX 

What are  you doing here? 

ANDROMEDA

Using the restroom down the hall, like humans do- you might be acquainted with the idea in passing. Now what are you doing out here, really?

BELLATRIX

Cissy said that if I ruined another table she’d hex me into oblivion, so I’ve been avoiding even having to look at Sirius’ dog face. 

ANDROMEDA

Sounds like her. 

BELLATRIX

_ (points at the photo) _

Remember this holiday? 

ANDROMEDA 

_ (laughs) _

Yes. We were grounded from going to the beach but we snuck out and got ice cream anyway. 

BELLATRIX 

The Black sisters taking France by storm! 

They turn to another photo. PHOTO-BELLATRIX, PHOTO-ANDROMEDA, and PHOTO-NARCISSA are sitting around a cake: it’s ANDROMEDA’S fourteenth birthday, judging by the candles PHOTO-ANDROMEDA is blowing out. PHOTO-BELLATRIX pushes PHOTO-ANDROMEDA’s face into the cake shortly after and cackles maniacally. PHOTO-ANDROMEDA looks up, face caked, and hexes PHOTO-BELLATRIX through a window. BELLATRIX and ANDROMEDA laugh. 

BELLATRIX 

Mother always knew when to pull out the camera. 

They move through the next few photos in silence, smiling as PHOTO-BELLATRIX and PHOTO-ANDROMEDA duke it out around PHOTO-NARCISSA. Occasionally, PHOTO-BELLATRIX and PHOTO-ANDROMEDA are arm in arm with PHOTO-NARCISSA, but this is rarer.

ANDROMEDA 

You’d like Ted if you got to know him. 

BELLATRIX 

I really wouldn’t. 

ANDROMEDA

He’s nice. Prankable. Just the type of person you enjoy. Being with him made me a better person, I think, if you care about that. 

BELLATRIX 

I don’t want to be a better person, thanks. 

ANDROMEDA 

You like Tonks- they’re almost the same person. 

BELLATRIX 

She is my favorite niece. 

ANDROMEDA 

_ (Amused) _

Your only niece. 

BELLATRIX

Hmph.

ANDROMEDA

I’ve liked him for years, you know. He’s very easy to like. 

BELLATRIX

Aw, do you have a widdle crush? 

ANDROMEDA

Bella! If you were nicer, you could be in a relationship too, you know.

BELLATRIX 

We’re the same amount of nice. That amount is none at all. 

ANDROMEDA

I don’t have to be nice now, I’m already married. Ted is stuck with me.

BELLATRIX

_ (rising in volume) _

Isn’t that just so wonderful for you? You and your Hufflepuff boy? 

ANDROMEDA 

_ (matching Bellatrix) _

He’s not a boy, nor is he in Hufflepuff anymore! He’s a grown wizard man! 

BELLATRIX

_ (full-on yelling) _

Great. Be happy with your grown wizard husband, then. 

BELLATRIX storms off, leaving ANDROMEDA frowning and alone in the hallway. One of the PHOTO-ANDROMEDAs hexes a PHOTO-BELLATRIX’s back while she’s turned. 

ANDROMEDA

_ (reproachful) _

Unsporting. 

NARCISSA, LUCIUS, VIOLET, and TED stand off to the side of the party on the other end from their children. NARCISSA presides over the party in a smug fashion, LUCIUS looks like a dead-eyed Borzoi, VIOLET is mostly interested in insulting the other guests, and TED shifts from foot to foot. 

TED

Where did Andy go? 

VIOLET

Narcissa, look at that dress. You’d think it was 1963 with that fringe. 

NARCISSA

Some people don’t know what “formal wear” means anymore. 

VIOLET

And those Greengrass girls just have no class at all. 

NARCISSA

Don’t muggles have a charming saying about cows and milk? Ted? 

TED

Don’t bring me into this. Where’s Andy.

VIOLET

_ (blatantly pointing) _

Hah, that shade of green! I wasn’t aware that Slytherin green was mint, now! 

NARCISSA

Oh, none of the Bulstrodes have ever known how to dress. 

VIOLET

Aren’t they your third or fourth cousins, or something?

NARCISSA

If there’s an unrelated soul in this room I will eat my hat. It’s a moot point.

VIOLET

You did invite most of the Twenty-Eight. 

NARCISSA

Well, it wouldn’t do not to. Of course, families like the Macmillans were left off the guest list. 

VIOLET

They always get sorted into Hufflepuff; who would invite Hufflepuffs to a Slytherin party, hah- 

NARCISSA 

Violet.  _ (she jerks her chin towards Ted) _ The Tonks family, you know, is traditionally Hufflepuff. 

VIOLET 

Who? 

NARCISSA

My brother-in-law, Violet. My niece. Those Tonks. 

VIOLET

Oh, them. 

NARCISSA

Don’t strain yourself. 

TED 

Let’s not bring up the Tonks family name again until Andy’s back to defend me. 

NARCISSA

She went to the restroom, Ted. She’d want you to be more sociable.  _ (turns to LUCIUS and pats him on the arm) _ Isn’t this the best birthday party yet, Lucius? Everyone getting along, Sirius and Bellatrix worlds apart...

LUCIUS

Beautiful, dear. 

VIOLET

It’s a wonderful party, Narcissa.

NARCISSA

And didn’t you see Draco and Father earlier? They got along so well. 

VIOLET

Pansy was there, too! 

LUCIUS

Isn’t that nice. 

TED

At least he likes some of us. 

NARCISSA

Father likes you, he just shows it differently than other people. 

_ (she thinks about it) _

If he really didn’t like you, you would be dead. 

TED

Comforting.

TED spots ANDROMEDA and leaves immediately. 

VIOLET

Will your Draco ever propose to my Pansy? 

LUCIUS and NARCISSA crack matching smirks. 

NARCISSA

Oh, Violet...

Opposite some of their parents, DAPHNE, ASTORIA, TONKS, DRACO, and PANSY are having a very awkward conversation. They’re standing slightly outside the main crowd behind a pillar. 

DRACO

_ (horribly stilted) _

Daphne’s a very rich fashion woman, isn’t that right? 

DAPHNE

People have- described me as such, yes. 

DRACO

Women say that. Women like rich fashion women. 

DAPHNE

They’ve been known to.

DRACO

Do you like fashion women, Pans? 

PANSY

_ (focused on TONKS) _

I like a woman who knows how to wear a tie. It means they’re great with knots.  _ (she winks) _

TONKS

Yeah, I’m pretty good at tying my own ties, but who isn’t after seven years at Hogwarts. 

DAPHNE

I don’t seem to recall what House you were in, Tonks. Not ours?

TONKS

_ (smiling at DAPHNE) _

Hufflepuff! House of the badger and friendliness. Good finders. You must’ve been a Slytherin, if you’re invited to these sorts of things. 

DAPHNE

It’s always nice to catch up with old housemates like Draco and Pansy. We had good times. 

TONKS

I’m sure you did. 

PANSY

I’ve always liked Hufflepuffs.  _ (she presses a hand to TONK’s upper arm)  _ Very sweet lot. 

TONKS

Er- I guess? You snakes have always been friendly towards us.

PANSY

I had a lot of Hufflepuff friends.

DRACO

You did not, and your House is Slytherin, Pans, stay loyal to your roots. 

ASTORIA

I certainly am.

PANSY

Shut up, Draco. 

DAPHNE

Shut up, Tory.

PANSY

So you’re an Auror, Tonks. You must be quite the thrill-seeker. 

TONKS 

I’m still in training right now, but eventually they’re going to have me doing undercover stuff. Since, you know…  _ (she gestures at her pink hair) _

PANSY

Ooh, can you make it green? 

TONKS obligingly makes it green. PANSY giggles. 

PANSY

You look good in Slytherin colors. 

DAPHNE glares at DRACO, which makes ASTORIA glare at him too. DRACO pales and looks back at the party for something that would break this up. 

TONKS

I look good in anything, I think. Nature of the Metamorphagus. Daphne knows fashion so she’d be the expert- 

DRACO

Hey, Tonks, Auntie Andy looks upset.  _ (He gestures to ANDROMEDA, coming out of one of the hallways. She does look upset.) _ You should probably go see about that. 

TONKS

You’re right- catch you later, everyone. 

TONKS smiles at DAPHNE and DRACO, then hurries off. 

ASTORIA

Hm.

PANSY

Should I- 

DRACO 

Stay here and catch up with Daphne? Yes! She’s a fantastic conversationalist. 

ASTORIA

Draco, take me over there and tell me about that painting. 

DRACO

That sounds nice- 

DRACO is cut off as ASTORIA drags him out of earshot and behind another pillar. PANSY and DAPHNE resume talking as they leave. 

ASTORIA

_ (grabs Draco’s collar and pulls his face down close to hers) _

Draco. 

DRACO

Yes? 

ASTORIA

If my sister doesn’t have a date by the end of this party-

DRACO

-Yes?

ASTORIA

-There will be consequences. 

DRACO

Consequences? 

ASTORIA

Consequences. 

DRACO

_ (on edge) _

I understand. Do you- want to hear about that painting? It’s by my Aunt Cassiopeia- 

ASTORIA

_ (exasperated)  _

No, Draco, I don’t want to hear about the painting. 

She presses a long kiss to his cheek, only slightly hidden by the pillar, then pushes him away. 

ASTORIA

Go forth and conquer. 

SIRIUS and REMUS have escaped the ballroom and come across BELLATRIX in a different hallway. 

SIRIUS

I swear there’s a bathroom around here- maybe we can- Bellatrix! 

BELLATRIX

_ (angry) _

Sirius! 

REMUS

Oh, sweet Merlin. 

REMUS leaves to go find NARCISSA, the only one who could stop this. Like two racoons fighting over a garbage can, BELLATRIX and SIRIUS have locked eyes and don’t notice him gone. 

SIRIUS

_ (angrier) _

Bellatrix! 

They draw their wands at the same time and start circling each other. 

BELLATRIX

SIRIUS! 

SIRIUS

BELLATRIX!

BELLATRIX

Try me, bitch. 

SIRIUS

I’ll try and sentence you! Guilty! 

BELLATRIX

Merlin, you’re so stupid. 

BELLATRIX wordlessly launches SIRIUS through a wall, destroying a portrait of Elladora Black. 

SIRIUS

At least I have a boyfriend! 

BELLATRIX

At least my parents aren’t cousins! 

SIRIUS stumbles back up and disarms BELLATRIX; BELLATRIX leaps up and slaps both wands out of his hands. SIRIUS makes an outraged noise and slaps BELLATRIX across the face. She slaps him back. 

REMUS hurries across the ballroom. He can’t see NARCISSA, but LUCIUS, the next best thing, is readily available, standing slightly apart from ANDROMEDA, TED, TONKS, DRACO, PANSY, and DAPHNE by the main table. 

REMUS

_ (out of breath) _

Lucius, Sirius- 

LUCIUS 

_ (bored) _

What could you possibly want. 

REMUS

They’re-

LUCIUS

In through the nose and out through the mouth. Or, knowing Gryffindors, just the mouth- either way, spit it out. 

REMUS 

They’re fighting. Sirius and Bellatrix are fighting. 

LUCIUS 

They can’t be fighting. Narcissa is about to bring out the cake. 

SIRIUS and BELLATRIX are screaming insults and slapping at each other’s hands, wands forgotten. 

REMUS 

They’re very much fighting. It’s violent. 

SIRIUS and BELLATRIX keep slapping each other. 

LUCIUS

If Bellatrix and Sirius ruin this party- 

REMUS

Narcissa needs to do something- 

LUCIUS

Don’t tell my wife what to do- 

SIRIUS shoves BELLATRIX over, and she finds her wand again. SIRIUS, at the sight of hers, looks for his on the ground and dives for it. 

REMUS

Bellatrix is going to  kill him- 

LUCIUS

I don’t care- 

SIRIUS and BELLATRIX sling spells at each other. The duel moves closer and closer to the mouth of the hallway, mostly at SIRIUS’ urging.

REMUS

You don’t care if they die?!

LUCIUS

As long as it happens outside of the ballroom! 

NARCISSA emerges with the cake, it levitating a few feet in the air until it’s put in a place of honor on the main table. It’s a gruesomely realistic depiction of a snake eating a lion’s head whole, a fang bursting open one of the lion’s eyes, candied blood and viscera pouring down onto the cake platter. It’s horrific. CYGNUS smiles. 

CYGNUS

She’s a beaut. 

NARCISSA smiles, victorious. 

BELLATRIX and SIRIUS have destroyed several cornices and singed many paintings. The wallpaper is scorched. They’re finally close enough to the ballroom that some party-goers have taken notice. Murmurs ripple through the crowd.

LUCIUS

_ (hushed) _

Narcissa- 

NARCISSA

Not now, dear. 

LUCIUS

_ (more urgently) _

Narcissa- 

NARCISSA

Not now!

SIRIUS and BELLATRIX have reached the ballroom. 

NARCISSA

Father, would you like to say a few words? 

CYGNUS

No. 

LUCIUS

Narcissa-!

NARCISSA

Father, say a few words. 

CYGNUS

Fine.  _ (clears his throat and raises his voice) _ Shut up, all of you. 

The ballroom goes silent and, just as CYGNUS opens his mouth to speak, a bolt of red light arcs across the room and  explodes the cake. Bright red insides splatter across the walls and the faces of the guests. Robes are ruined. TONKS, thinking quickly, steps in front of DAPHNE and saves her from the onslaught. Everyone is shocked and silent, but the crowd parts to reveal BELLATRIX, looking surprised and holding her wand aloft. SIRIUS, who she was aiming at, is frozen with his back to the carnage. 

BELLATRIX turns to flee; SIRIUS raises his wand to hex her as her back is turned but TED and ANDROMEDA, almost simultaneously, disarm him. They catch his wand together and share a tender look. 

NARCISSA

_ (claps hands) _

Ok. 

_ (calm but deadly) _

If you are related to me by blood or marriage, it’s time to retire to the front parlor. 

ANDROMEDA Talking Head: 

ANDROMEDA

_ (still splattered with cake guts) _

...This family is a  nightmare .

The entire Black clan has gathered in the front parlor. It’s dead silent, still. NARCISSA and LUCIUS stand by the fireplace, NARCISSA’s hands on her hips. 

NARCISSA

Why is it that I can’t have one nice event? 

The room falls into chaos. 

BELLATRIX

_ (shrieking) _

Sirius- 

SIRIUS

It’s all her fault- 

LUCIUS

I did try to tell you, dear. 

CYGNUS

Don’t you start that, boy- 

BELLATRIX

He provoked me! 

NARCISSA

I don’t care! I don’t care. 

ANDROMEDA

I do think Sirius started it, in fairness. 

NARCISSA

It still counts if he started it! 

LUCIUS

Who cares about fairness?

CYGNUS

We should never have another party. 

NARCISSA

We are going to GET ALONG as a family or I will hex all of you, so help me-

SIRIUS

She said  fighting words . 

REMUS

I don’t think that’s a legal excuse anymore. Though, honestly, given the state of the Ministry, I wouldn’t be surprised- 

WALBURGA

Why are you even here? Who invited you? 

REMUS

Your son, unfortunately.

REGULUS

_ (raises his hand) _

Can I leave? 

NARCISSA

No one is allowed to leave. 

TONKS

The Black Family Thunderdome: thirteen enter, one leaves. 

DRACO

What? 

TED

Should I give Sirius his wand back? 

SIRIUS

Yes! 

CYGNUS

No. 

BELLATRIX

Why does Tedros have Sirius’ wand? 

ANDROMEDA

Sirius was going to hex you when your back was turned and Ted stopped him, because Ted is a good person and you got into a duel at our Father’s birthday party. 

BELLATRIX gives TED a considering look. 

BELLATRIX

In my defense…  _ (she pauses and then, after an awkward moment, shrugs and gives up) _

NARCISSA

Exactly. 

WALBURGA

_ (turns to Cygnus) _

This is your fault for raising your daughters like hooligan boys. 

CYGNUS

My fault? Your son is a Gryffindor! My daughters are perfect pillars of the Slytherin community! 

WALBURGA

Pillars!  _ (she points at ANDROMEDA) _ That one married a- 

CYGNUS

At least she’s given me grandchildren! What have your sons done to uphold the Black family name? 

ANDROMEDA

So great to know my value to this family. 

TONKS

Sorry, I’m your greatest accomplishment now. 

WALBURGA

That’s not the point-! 

CYGNUS

Then what is the point, Wally! You’re an idiot, is the point! Get out of my house! 

WALBURGA

It’s my house too! 

CYGNUS

Not if you can’t show your Head of House any respect, it isn’t! I didn’t fight in a war for this!

WALBURGA leaves in a huff, REGULUS trailing behind her. SIRIUS and REMUS linger for a bit. 

ANDROMEDA

_ (touched) _

Thanks, Father. 

CYGNUS

Never speak of it. 

ANDROMEDA

But- 

CYGNUS

_ (Shakes his head no) _

NARCISSA regains control of the room. 

NARCISSA

Sirius, why don’t you and Bella apologize to each other. 

BELLATRIX and Sirius sigh. This is not the first time, nor the last, that they have been subjected to NARCISSA’s peacekeeping techniques. 

BELLATRIX

_ (not making eye contact) _

I was wrong to duel you in the house instead of outside. 

SIRIUS

I should’ve hexed your front, not your back. 

NARCISSA

You two are children. 

BELLATRIX and SIRIUS grip each other’s elbows and lean close. 

BELLATRIX

_ (lowly) _

Next time, I’ll take your ear off.

SIRIUS

_ (whispering) _

You wish. See you next year? 

BELLATRIX

Next year for sure. 

BELLATRIX and SIRIUS release each other and SIRIUS and REMUS leave. TED hands SIRIUS his wand back before he goes. 

REMUS

_ (faintly, through the door) _

Why do I always have to be your plus-one? 

SIRIUS

_ (fainter)  _

Remind me to tell you about the year James came to Christmas…

BELLATRIX turns to TED. 

BELLATRIX

_ (puts her hand on his shoulder awkwardly) _

You know, Tog, when you started dating my sister, I thought it was the worst idea in Black history, and my great-aunt regularly beheaded house elves. 

TED

Oh, no. 

BELLATRIX

Andromeda and I look alike, so naturally she’s out of your league, and I also assume that she’s smarter than you. Your face, on occasion, reminds me of a codfish. When you grew a mustache, it was a catfish. Neither of those rate highly with me, fish-wise. 

TED

Ohhhh no. 

BELLATRIX

_ (gripping his shoulder tighter) _

And if you ever hurt her, or thought about hurting her, I would kill you, just as Father would. 

CYGNUS

_ (nods thoughtfully) _

TED

_ (wincing from BELLATRIX’s grip)  _

This is a bad speech. 

BELLATRIX

I always assumed that we both hated each other equally, but you were just more non-confrontational about it, which admittedly made me think you were a coward. Today, though, you defended me. And I respect that. Also, I should respect my sister’s choice to be with you, maybe. 

TED

Alright. Thanks. I- uh- respect you too. 

BELLATRIX

I still don’t like you, though. We’re neutral now. 

NARCISSA

Isn’t that nice. 

CYGNUS

And Tedros did give me my favorite grandchild, so I guess he’s not the worst man in the world. 

DRACO

She’s the favorite?!

TONKS

I’m the favorite?! 

NARCISSA

_ (to DRACO) _

It’s okay- Bellatrix has been his publicly favored child since we were fifteen. He does it to make you compete. 

ANDROMEDA

You’ll never win, though. Father is not one to change his mind. 

CYGNUS

Nymphadora makes good strong eye contact. If you can look a man in the eye, that means you’re equals! It’s rare for women to try, much less succeed. Tod must’ve done something right once. 

TONKS

Well, there go my good feelings. 

TED

I wish one of you would learn my name. 

ANDROMEDA

Baby steps.  _ (to CYGNUS, sarcastic)  _ Thanks, Father. It means so much to me that you would almost barely give my husband, the man I have loved for nearly two decades now, a measure of the respect he deserves. 

CYGNUS

You’re welcome. 

Druella

_ (to the surprise of everyone, in heavily accented English) _

What a wonderful birthday for Cygnus. 

NARCISSA

Really, Mother? 

Druella

_ (nods) _

DRACO

I can’t believe I’m not his favorite. 

TONKS

Get over yourself, Lucius Junior. 

CYGNUS stands up. 

CYGNUS

I’m done having parties. No more parties until I’m dead. 

BELLATRIX

You can’t expect Narcissa to never throw a party ever again. 

CYGNUS

That’s why you’re my favorite. Everybody else get out of my house. 

NARCISSA Talking Head: 

NARCISSA

Nobody was mortally wounded, and Mother complimented me. This wasn’t so bad after all! Let’s hope it goes this well next year. 

ANDROMEDA Talking Head: 

ANDROMEDA

Family is a miserable business, but at least Bella was kind of nice. I’ll count this as a win because I’m in a generous mood. 

LUCIUS Talking Head: 

LUCIUS

My in-laws could burn the house down and call it a good time. It doesn’t mean anything that this year went well. 

The MALFOYS and the TONKS filter out of the house. NARCISSA is chattering LUCIUS’ ear off about the party, ANDROMEDA and TED are holding hands, and DRACO and TONKS hang back talking about Quidditch. Everyone is surprised to see the GREENGRASS sisters waiting outside, but DRACO and TONKS are the only ones who wait around to talk to them. 

DRACO

_ (semi-suavely) _

Hey. 

TONKS

You’re so lame. 

ASTORIA

Pansy wanted to wait with us but I made her leave. 

DAPHNE

Thank you for that, Tory. 

TONKS

That’s okay with me, actually. Daphne, could I talk to you- over that way? 

DAPHNE

Oh- alright, then. 

DAPHNE and TONKS move out of earshot. DRACO and ASTORIA look at each other. DRACO is a bit uneasy. 

ASTORIA

I think it’ll work out. The cake could’ve been a wrinkle in the smoothest of plans. 

DRACO

_ (hesitant) _

If you say so. 

ASTORIA 

You should trust me more if we’re going to see any more of each other. 

DRACO 

Yeah? 

ASTORIA

_ (leans up and kisses him quickly) _

Even if you take after your father, I still think you’re cute. 

DRACO

That’s good. 

TONKS and DAPHNE return. TONKS is grinning wildly and DAPHNE is blushing a little. 

DAPHNE

_ (addressing each of them in turn) _

Draco, don’t ever meddle in my affairs again. Tory, double for you. Tonks, I’ll see you Sunday. Let’s go, Tory. 

They leave. 

DRACO 

Smooth move, Tonks. 

TONKS 

Her sister told me to ask her out. 

DRACO and TONKS depart as well. 

THE END 

**Author's Note:**

> Author’s Notes: 
> 
> The reason why Bellatrix is always getting needled over whether or not she’s married is because in Traditional Pureblood Values, stuck as they are in the Victorian, it would be socially appropriate for the eldest sister to be married first. Andy and Ted kind of eloped, though, and Narcissa figured that after them she could do whatever she wanted and get off lightly.   
> Purebloods aren’t homophobic mostly because I said so and also because children can be produced magically so who even cares   
> I didn’t pay attention to timelines, but if it can be assumed that Narcissa had Draco in her mid-twenties, when he’s just out of school (eighteen or nineteen) she must be at least in her late thirties or forties. I made Tonks a bit younger than she is in canon so that it would make more sense of her and Draco being closer friends  
> Bellatrix was born in 1951, though  
> It’s got to be the late nineties   
> Also, it’s totally plausible that Cygnus and Druella are alive; wizards can live up to a hundred and fifty years. They’d be in their sixties or seventies in this probably  
> Cygnus makes reference to fighting in a “war” which is just a lie. He was too young for the first wizarding war back in the 1920’s, but again nobody knows how old he is, so he can just lie about it   
> The Black Manor, like most pureblood estates, have a lot of warding against apparation, so guests likely came in at the end of the driveway and walked up   
> Bellatrix and Sirius don’t even remember why they fight, but they prefer it to speaking to any of their relatives or the guests, so it’s tradition, at this point. Every Black is kind of a jerk, though, so you can see how it’s not hard for them   
> Sirius’ parents are actually cousins   
> The house elves will clean up their mess so it’s not like they’re Really damaging the house   
> Originally I was going to have Pansy and Tonks end up together but god I love Pansy and even I think she’s obnoxious. Tonks deserves a nice girl for all the shit her family puts her through 


End file.
